What makes me who I am?

What makes me who I am?

I’ve struggled with self-identity all my life. It’s confusing, not feeling like a whole person. I’m too this and not enough that. Throughout high school, with the help of my support systems, I’ve begun to understand myself. I’m kind, intelligent, passionate, and most of all, curious. The one constant through my ups and downs is my endless curiosity. I want to know everything. The world around me is so captivating! One little trigger can set me off. And I’ll drag you along with me!

For example, in chemistry class, we’re always discussing electrons. Electrons are extremely important in chemistry. They influence bonding and important properties like atomic radius and electronegativity. All this talk about electrons, do I even know what an electron really is? They’ve only ever been described to me as “negatively charged particles.” But what does that mean? I do not like not knowing things. Down the rabbit hole I went, deep into the world of particle physics, searching for answers (as I tend to do). Instead, all I found were even more questions! Quarks have a fraction of an electrical charge?! What is “color charge?” How do fundamental particles exist, don’t they need to be made of something, or formed somehow?

Pushing all of this new, infuriating information aside, I still didn’t have an answer about electrons. They’re considered leptons, a type of fundamental particle, but what about their electrical charge. What even is an electrical charge? How does it become negative or positive?

My chemistry teacher should know. She’s a genius!

“Can you explain electricity to me?” I asked her one day.

“Of course!” She said, even though we were learning about lattice energy. She started explaining the movement of electrons as electrical currents.

“Wait,” I said. “What makes an electron negative?” This was my real question. We learned later that substances that conduct electricity are composed of charged particles that can move freely, but what actually is the property that gives these particles their charges? Protons get their charge from quarks, where do quarks get their charge from? Where do electrons get their charge from? My heart clenched, I needed to know, I needed answers.

She didn’t have an answer for me. That topic was above AP chemistry. But because she’s the most amazing teacher, she called in the principal who studied physics! I ended up having a conversation with the principal of my school about particle physics, dimensions, and color charge. He listened to my questions and explained difficult concepts in an understandable way. Unfortunately, I discovered that for most of my questions, modern physics didn't have answers. Ever since elementary school, teachers would tell us we knew so much but still so little about the world. I couldn’t believe them, because every question I asked had a scientific answer. Now I understand. There’s still so much we don’t know! So much we don’t understand or can’t explain with our current knowledge.

It’s annoying that I can’t ask a question and immediately get an answer. At the same time, however, it’s thrilling to know about questions I could find the answer to! Research I could be a part of, working with others to make discoveries, it’s amazing to think about!

I am so curious about so many things. All I want to do is learn and understand. I can’t wait to go to college and be surrounded by new answers, new questions, and new perspectives! It’s a wonderland filled with curiosity that can only fuel my desire to know. Curiosity is a blessing, but sometimes it can be difficult. I don’t even want to study physics! I want to be an anthropologist. My curiosity can distract me from other important things. However, in the end, it is something that brings me joy and it is an integral part of my identity.