My plan to kill the bees.

I hate bees.

I have been harassed by the evil flying insects since I was four years old. They won’t leave me alone! By the time I was eleven, I had been stung eleven times. The first time, I was four years old, going out to eat with my family. There was a small fountain outside the restaurant with some little plants around it, a bumblebee flying around. At this time in my life, I had no reason to fear the evil black and yellow harbingers of pain. As far as I was concerned, if I didn’t bother them, they wouldn’t bother me. Everything was fine until we sat down in the restaurant. I started screaming. I was hurting. I didn’t know what was happening.

The bumblebee had flown up my shorts. It had crawled into my blue and orange polka-dot shorts and stung me four times.

That was just the first incident. At camp, I was bit by a sweat bee in a pool. While walking at the zoo, a honey bee stung my finger. Another one stung my shoulder while I was minding my own business at a friend’s lakehouse. That same day, I was stung by a yellowjacket on a moving boat in the middle of a lake. While riding my bike at my grandparents’ house, I felt a sudden sharp pain in my upper thigh. A honeybee had crawled into my shorts when I was in my grandmother’s garden. Two different bees have crawled into my shorts and stung my crotch. Bees are evil creatures that seek only to cause harm and chaos, who prey on prepubescent girls and find joy in others’ misery.

The only logical course of action is to eliminate them. Only then will young children be safe from the tiny buzzing monsters. Fortunately, bee populations are decreasing as climate change and human interference kill them off. Unfortunately, bees are important pollinators and fill a “vital ecological niche.” If bees died off, human life would be negatively affected, along with the destruction of countless ecosystems. Humans would most likely “starve to death.” Most people consider this a bad thing. If the bees are exterminated, something else needs to fill their role. Bees are dying too quickly and evolution can’t keep up. Millions of humans would perish before pollination rates returned to normal. Therefore, to eliminate the bees, we must save them first. If bee populations are stabilized, the controlled process of elimination can begin while minimizing negative ecological effects. As the bees are slowly killed over time, other species will fill the ecological niche being vacated. This process must be extremely slow and controlled to preserve human safety. There are thousands of factors to consider and the process is dependent on random mutation in population gene pools.

Some people like bees. They think they’re “cute” and “helpful.” These people have fallen into pro-bee propaganda. Media like the Bee Movie portrays them as fuzzy little fairies that make honey when in reality they are demonic agents of pain.

I will not live to see a bee-free world. With devoted people who are willing to work hard, one day the world can be rid of insectoid demons. The world will be a better place without stinging monstrosities harassing young children. New species will emerge and old species will adapt to become better pollinators, leaving bees obsolete. One day, they will finally be gone.

Perhaps a less extreme solution is to genetically engineer bees to lose their stingers. This is much easier and comes with less risk to human populations. But I want revenge. They all must die.

In the words of the great poet Sappho, “No honey for me, if it comes with a bee.”